The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
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Network Working Group A. Pendragon
Internet-Draft Camelot
Updates: 8140 (if approved) April 15, 2018
Intended status: Informational
Expires: October 17, 2018
The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
draft-camelot-holy-grenade-01
Abstract
The menagerie of beasts and artefacts depicted in RFC8140 may be
usefully supplemented by other renowned figures of Internet and more
general lore. This document extends the menagerie to the seminal
fable of the "Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch", as depicted in the Monty
Python film "Monty Python and the Holy Grail", as well as "Spamalot",
the musical inspired by the movie.
Spamalot
The relevance of the musical "Spamalot" to Internet lore should be
obvious to the reader; but in case of doubt, see also Section 1
("What is Spam*?") of RFC2635.
Status of This Memo
This Internet-Draft is submitted in full conformance with the
provisions of BCP 78 and BCP 79.
Internet-Drafts are working documents of the Internet Engineering
Task Force (IETF). Note that other groups may also distribute
working documents as Internet-Drafts. The list of current Internet-
Drafts is at https://datatracker.ietf.org/drafts/current/.
Internet-Drafts are draft documents valid for a maximum of six months
and may be updated, replaced, or obsoleted by other documents at any
time. It is inappropriate to use Internet-Drafts as reference
material or to cite them other than as "work in progress."
This Internet-Draft will expire on October 17, 2018.
Copyright Notice
Copyright (c) 2018 IETF Trust and the persons identified as the
document authors. All rights reserved.
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This document is subject to BCP 78 and the IETF Trust's Legal
Provisions Relating to IETF Documents
(https://trustee.ietf.org/license-info) in effect on the date of
publication of this document. Please review these documents
carefully, as they describe your rights and restrictions with respect
to this document.
Table of Contents
1. Terminology . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
2. Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
3. The French-occupied castle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
4. The Mythos of Caerbannog . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6
4.1. The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6
4.2. Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
5. Dramatis Personae . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11
5.1. Past the Killer Rabbit . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12
6. IANA Considerations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
7. Security Considerations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
8. References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
8.1. Normative References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
8.2. Informative References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
8.3. URIs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14
Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14
Author's Address . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14
1. Terminology
The key words "*MUST*", "*MUST NOT*", "*REQUIRED*", "*SHALL*",
"*SHALL NOT*", "*SHOULD*", "*SHOULD NOT*", "*RECOMMENDED*", "*NOT
RECOMMENDED*", "*MAY*", and "*OPTIONAL*" in this document are to be
interpreted as described in BCP 14 [RFC2119] [RFC8174] when, and only
when, they appear in all capitals, as shown here.
2. Introduction
[RFC8140] refers to the intended move of RFC formatting to XML2RFC v3
[RFC7990], in the following terms:
Although the RFC Editor has recently dragged the IETF kicking and
screaming into the twentieth century [RFC7990] [RFC7996], there is a
yearning among all right-thinking Internet architects to "keep it
simple" and to return to the olden days when pigs could be given
thrust without anyone taking undue offence.
-- A. Farrel
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While no pigs, flying or otherwise, are involved in the transition to
RFC XML v3, it is opportune to enhance the [RFC8140] legendarium in
the service of RFC XML v3, by illustrating its functionality through
references to the mythology of Camelot, and particularly the
incidents at the Cave of Caerbannog.
The screaming move into the twenty-*first* century is accompanied by
a move back to the late twentieth century, with ASCII stylings more
wonted in haunts like ftp://ftp.wwa.com/pub/Scarecrow (known to be
accessible in 1996.)
There are two references to rabbits in _Monty Python and the Holy
Grail_ which are expounded on herewith:
Trojan Rabbit
In their siege of the French-occupied castle which may already
contain an instance of the Grail, Sir Bedevere the Wise proposes
to use a Trojan Rabbit to infiltrate the castle, with a raiding
party to take the French "not only by surprise, but totally
unarmed."
The proposal, unsurprisingly, proved abortive. The more so as the
raiding party forgot to hide within the Trojan Rabbit, before the
French soldiers took the Trojan Rabbit inside the castle.
Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog
Guarding the entrance to the Cave of Caerbannog; see Section 4.
3. The French-occupied castle
The participants of that renowned exercise in cross-cultural
communication, to wit the exchange between the _Knights of the Round
Table_ and the taunting French soldiers serving under *Guy de
Lombard* are, properly speaking, outside the scope of this
"menagerie", being more or less human. Notwithstanding, several^ish^
beasts both animate_d_ and wooden played a significant part in this
encounter; most notably:
o The Projectile Cow, see Figure 1
o The Trojan Rabbit, see Figure 2
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ROOTS_CLAY_SKELETON_MORESOIL_CLAY_CLAY_CLAY_CLAY_<MUSHROOMS>
Figure 1: The Projectile Cow with an accompanying cannon
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___ ____
//_ \//\__\
|| || |
-__||_||__|
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// ---- _____||
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----- -----
Figure 2: The Trojan Rabbit with an automatic sliding door
While the exchange at the French-occupied castle is one of the more
memorable scenes of _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_, the Trojan
Rabbit has not reached the same level of cultural resonance as its
more murderous counterpart. Reasons for this may include:
o Less overall screen-time dedicated to the Trojan Rabbit.
o The Trojan Rabbit as projectile has already been anticipated by
the Cow as projectile.
[CREF1]
The exchange of projectile animals was the beginning of a long-
running fruitful relationship between the British and the French
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peoples, which arguably predates the traditional English enmity with
the French.
4. The Mythos of Caerbannog
The _Cave of Caerbannog_ has been well-established in the mythology
of Camelot (as recounted by Monty Python) as the lair of the
Legendary Black Beast of Arrrghhh, more commonly known today as the
*Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog* Section 4.1. It is the encounter
between the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog and the Knights of the Round
Table, armed with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch (see the following
section (Section 4.2)), that we recount here through monospace font
and multiple spaces.
4.1. The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog
The *Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog*, that most formidable foe of the
Knights and of all that is holy or carrot-like, has been depicted
diversely in lay and in song. We venture to say, _contra_ the claim
made in Section 4.1 of Ze Vompyre [RFC8140], that the Killer Rabbit
of Caerbannog truly is the most afeared of all the creatures. Short
of sanctified ordnance such as Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, there
are few remedies known against its awful lapine powers.
The following depiction (Figure 3) of the fearsome beast has been
sourced from Rabbit-SCII [1], accompanied (Figure 4) by C code that
was used in this accurate depiction of the Killer Rabbit:
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Figure 3: A Photo Of The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog Taken In Secret
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<CODE BEGINS>
/* Locate the Killer Rabbit */
int type;
unsigned char *killerRabbit =
LocateCreature(&caerbannog, "killer rabbit");
if( killerRabbit == 0 ){
puts("The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog is out of town.");
return LOST_CREATURE;
}
/* Load Cave */
unsigned char *cave = LoadPlace(&caerbannog,
"The Cave Of Caerbannog");
if( cave == 0 ){
puts("The Cave of Caerbannog must have moved.");
return LOST_PLACE;
}
/* Lure the Killer Rabbit back into the Cave */
unsigned char *carrot = allocateObjectInPlace(
carrot("fresh"), cave);
if( carrot == 0 ){
puts("No carrot, no rabbit.");
return LOST_LURE;
}
/* Finally, notify the Killer Rabbit to act */
return notifyCreature(killerRabbit, &carrot);
<CODE ENDS>
Figure 4: C Code To Lure Killer Rabbit Back To Cave
On the beast's encounter with the Knights of the Round Table, the
following personnel engaged with it in combat:
o Killed
* Sir Bors
* Sir Gawain
* Sir Ector
o Soiled Himself
* Sir Robin
o Panicked
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* King Arthur
o Employed Ordnance
* The Lector
* Brother Maynard
o Scoffed
* Tim the Enchanter
4.2. Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
______
\\/ \/
__\\ /__
|| //\ |
||__\\/ __|
|| | ,---,
|| |====`\ |
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|-----------------------------|
||###########################|
\\#########################/
`..#####################,'
``..###############_,'
``--.._____..--'
`''-----''`
Figure 5: The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch (don't pull the pin)
Figure 6: The Sovereign's Orb made invisible
The solution to the impasse at the Cave of Caerbannog was provided by
the successful deployment of the *Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch* (see
Figure 5) . Any similarity between the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
and the mythical _Holy Spear of Antioch_ is purely intentional; any
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similarity between the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch and the
_Sovereign's Orb of the United Kingdom_ (see Figure 6) is putatively
fortuitous.
Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
Ordnance deployed by Brother Maynard under the incantation of a
lector, in order to dispense with the Foes of the Virtuous. See
Figure 5.
Holy Spear of Antioch
A supposed relic of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, this is one
of at least four claimed instances of the lance that pierced
Christ's side. Its historical significance lies in inspiring
crusaders to continue their siege of Antioch in 1098.
Sovereign's Orb of the United Kingdom
Part of the Crown Jewels of the United Kingdom, the Sovereign's
Orb is a hollow gold sphere set with jewels and topped with a
cross. It was made for Charles II in 1661. See Figure 6.
The instructions in the _Book of Armaments_ on the proper deployment
of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch *MAY* be summarized as follows,
although this summary *SHALL NOT* be used as a substitute for a
reading from the Book of Armaments:
1. Preamble: St Attila Benediction
2. Feast of the People on Sundry Foods
* Lambs
* Sloths
* Carp
* Anchovies
* Orangutangs
* Breakfast Cereals
* Fruit Bats
* _et hoc genus omne_
3. Take out the Holy Pin
4. The Count
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A. Count is to Three: no more, no less
B. Not Four
C. Nor Two, except if the count then proceeds to Three
D. Five is Right Out
5. Lob the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards the Foe
6. The Foe, being naughty in the *LORD's* sight, *SHALL* snuff it
This could also be represented in pseudocode as follows:
1. Take out the Holy Pin
2. The Count
integer count;
for count := 1 step 1 until 3 do
say(count)
comment Five is Right Out
3. Lob the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards the Foe
4. Foe snuffs it
5. Dramatis Personae
The following human (more-or-less) protagonists were involved in the
two incidents recounted as lore of the Knights of the Round Table:
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+-------------------------+-----------------------------------------+
| French Castle | Cave of Caerbannog |
+-------------------------+-----------------------------------------+
| King Arthur | Patsy |
+-------------------------+-----------------------------------------+
| Sir Bedevere the Wise | Sir Galahad the Pure |
+-------------------------+-----------------------------------------+
| Sir Lancelot the Brave | Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as- |
| | Sir-Lancelot |
+-------------------------+-----------------------------------------+
| French Guard with | Tim the Enchanter |
| Outrageous Accent | |
+-------------------------+-----------------------------------------+
| Other French Guards | Brother Maynard |
+-------------------------+-----------------------------------------+
| | The Lector |
+-------------------------+-----------------------------------------+
| not yet recruited | Sir Bors |
+-------------------------+-----------------------------------------+
| Sir Gawain | Sir Ector |
+-------------------------+-----------------------------------------+
| Retinue of sundry | Retinue of sundry more knights than at |
| knights | the French Castle |
+-------------------------+-----------------------------------------+
5.1. Past the Killer Rabbit
Once the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog (Figure 3) had been dispatched,
the Knights of the Round Table uncovered the last words of Joseph of
Arimathea, inscribed on the Cave of Caerbannog in Aramaic. While the
precise Aramaic wording has not survived, we trust the following
Hebrew subtitles will serve as an acceptable substitute:
.כאן אולי
ימצאו
המילים
האחרונות
של יוסף
מארמתיה .מי
אשר יהיה
אמיץ ובעל
נפש טהורה
יוכל למצוא
את הגביע
הקדוש
בטירת
אאאאאאאה
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"Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is
valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the castle of
-- Aaaargh."
6. IANA Considerations
IANA might consider a registry to track the mythical, especially
ravaging beasts, such as the Killer Rabbit, who haunt the Internet.
7. Security Considerations
Do not let the Killer Rabbit out under any circumstance.
I repeat. Do not let the Killer Rabbit (Figure 3) out.
8. References
8.1. Normative References
[RFC2119] Bradner, S., "Key words for use in RFCs to Indicate
Requirement Levels", BCP 14, RFC 2119,
DOI 10.17487/RFC2119, March 1997,
<https://www.rfc-editor.org/info/rfc2119>.
8.2. Informative References
[grail_film]
Chapman, G., Cleese, J., Idle, E., Gilliam, T., Jones, T.,
and M. Palin, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail", 1975.
[RFC2635] Hambridge, S. and A. Lunde, "DON'T SPEW A Set of
Guidelines for Mass Unsolicited Mailings and Postings
(spam*)", FYI 35, RFC 2635, DOI 10.17487/RFC2635, June
1999, <https://www.rfc-editor.org/info/rfc2635>.
[RFC7990] Flanagan, H., "RFC Format Framework", RFC 7990,
DOI 10.17487/RFC7990, December 2016,
<https://www.rfc-editor.org/info/rfc7990>.
[RFC8140] Farrel, A., "The Arte of ASCII: Or, An True and Accurate
Representation of an Menagerie of Thynges Fabulous and
Wonderful in Ye Forme of Character", RFC 8140,
DOI 10.17487/RFC8140, April 2017,
<https://www.rfc-editor.org/info/rfc8140>.
[RFC8174] Leiba, B., "Ambiguity of Uppercase vs Lowercase in RFC
2119 Key Words", BCP 14, RFC 8174, DOI 10.17487/RFC8174,
May 2017, <https://www.rfc-editor.org/info/rfc8174>.
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8.3. URIs
[1] http://camelot.gov.example/avatars/rabbit
Index
C
Cave of Caerbannog 9
H
Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch 9
R
relics
Christian 9
monarchic 9
Editorial Comments
[CREF1] Author: Image courtesy of https://camelot.gov.example/creatures-
in-ascii/
Author's Address
Arthur son of Uther Pendragon
Camelot
Palace
Camel Lot 1
Camelot, England
United Kingdom
Email: arthur.pendragon@ribose.com
URI: http://camelot.gov.example
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